Saturday, December 31, 2016

Do I Think I’m Brave?

What does that even mean? Does that mean I’m a thrill seeker and will do stuff like zipline from a really high elevation? Does that mean I’ll take a bullet for the President?

Am I a risk taker?

I think by asking these questions, I know that I am most certainly not brave in any way shape or form. Confidence is key and that is something that I lack. I believe that a person can lose the bravery quality when being brave in the first place gets them nowhere. This is where I come in.

Sometimes it’s good to go in without thinking about the consequences. That way you don't psych yourself out. Though years and years of your “bravery” ends up with shot up confidence, there’s no real incentive to put on that “brave face”.

I’m nervous. I’m a coward. I won’t kill that bug for you. Sorry, ladies. I will probably take a bullet for you, though, but that’s only because… yeah, you can fill in the blank.

Sunday, December 25, 2016

How I Use Facebook

Using Facebook is easy. You just post stuff that no one cares about. Then the stuff people actually care about they’ll try and argue with you the whole time until you’re not friends anymore. Wait, isn’t that how politics work?

I like seeing updates about people's’ lives through the form of photos or some real concrete status update. Then I can feel sad for a few moments about how my life is nowhere as amazing as theirs and then make fun of myself for being stuck in the pit that is nothingness.

Other than that, my typical uses of Facebook are to link to my post blog posts (like this one), make fun of and devalue myself, and, well, I guess that’s it. People like it when you make fun of yourself because they think it’s funny. Since this is the internet and tone is hard to interpret, they can’t tell how serious you’re taking your own joke. Just remember though. Your Facebook posts are like Google searches. You’ve only got seconds in order to get people's’ attention on your post. Better make it good. Or you’ll end up like me. Swept up in the news feed, only to be seen when someone decides to remember you and visit your profile for less than 3 seconds.

Monday, December 19, 2016

Types of Feedback for Improvement

I’ve learned that harsh criticism is the best type of feedback for improvement. How are you going to take your faults seriously if someone doesn’t nitpick it for you? I learned this from running. I could run the best race of my life, but there’s always something wrong with it. There is always something to work on. This applies to everything.

Your bad grade in school could be, in itself, a criticism of how hard you worked to test yourself on your knowledge at the subject at hand. Then again, you could be terrible at tests like me and just be a failure because you can’t take tests.

What about work? Everything you do could potentially be critiqued. It could be changed in a myriad of ways because one person wants it done this way and the person wants it done the other way. Though the real feedback you get is in your employee review. They might butter up some things, but the criticism is meant to groom you to be the best you can be.

Though in my case, I don’t know how you much better you can get at being completely useless.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

What I’d Do If I Won the Lottery

Well, I’d better win it fast because I only plan to be around until I’m 40.

I mean, winning the lottery isn’t all it’s cracked up to be anyway. Once you get it, you’ll probably pay taxes up the butt.

I wouldn’t quit my job (unless it was a job I absolutely hated). I’d probably work part time and take a reduced salary (if both those things are allowed) because I got to keep busy somehow so I can keep myself honest and blow the entire winning away.

It would make traveling alone a lot easier. Why? Well, if you have gotten to know me pretty well, there are a lot of things that sound stupid to do alone. Traveling is one of them. Seems boring. I’ll just watch 4k videos of the Grand Canyon instead of doing it myself. It’s not fun if you can’t share the memory with anyone. I don’t have anyone, remember?

Then there’s the whole question of charity. Are there places I would give back to? Maybe when I’m closer to 40 because I wouldn’t be around to enjoy the rest of the money. Some programs to promote running and such would probably be good. No sleazeball politician will get get that money.

So I only got 16 years left to win the lottery. My luck better come fast.

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Unknowingly Submitting to Peer Pressure

I don’t know if I could think of a specific example, but I must do this all the time as my way of not caring. Don’t worry, I still vaguely know the “8 Ways to Say No”.

It’s probably something so stupidly against my moral compass like drinking alcohol underage in college or taking a puff of a cheap, shitty cigar in college. Because all I wanted to do in college was resist drugs and alcohol (not calling a cigar a drug). Thanks, D.A.R.E. officers. You’re great.

I think the point of unknowingly submitting to peer pressure is the unknowingly part. You’re not aware. Maybe you’re just really nice and social and willing to do what everyone else is doing. Or you just don’t care enough and have no moral compass and just goes with the flow. I don’t now. Are these the cases?

Is it peer pressure still if it’s coming from your friends? I think that makes it easier to unknowingly submit. You’re too comfortable around them so it might hard to distinguish what event is out of place.

I’ll think about this for a while. Well, probably for like 3 seconds before I post this. Not a big deal.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Do I Ever Feel Overlooked and Underappreciated?

This is going to be one of those things that I believe is true, but lots of evidence can prove otherwise. Isn’t that weird? To be aware of something that is completely true, but feel the opposite of that truth?

This is like being the last person to be picked on the kickball team at the park. Because no one really wants you on their team. Then when you are on the “unfortunate” team, you basically aren’t treated as a team member at all.

I’m one of those people who believes they’re not valued because their opinions don’t matter. You try to open up and all you do is get shut down. Instead of wasting words trying to have people take in your thoughts and opinions, it might be best to not have them at all.

I’ve always considered myself a hard worker. Though it’s very rare that hard work ever gets you the attention and the appreciation that you’d think you deserve culturally. You might be overshadowed by the other guy who possibly could have worked just a bit harder than you, or one with such natural talent at something that they could get it done more quickly than you. Though, if I’m working hard to get recognize, then that’s already my first mistake. Recognition should be the first reason for your hard work.

It all goes into my older statements about setting very low expectations. I don’t think I’m going to be recognized for anything, no matter how hard I work. When I do, it almost feels as if it’s out of place. The universe is somehow unbalanced due to giving me recognition. While it may be appreciated, it doesn’t make me any happier anyway because of setting those low expectations. Now you may think I’m just being humble, due to my lack of enthusiasm with things like these. Well, there’s always someone bigger and better than you are and I just think everyone is bigger and better than I am.

It used to hurt, a lot. Almost as if someone took credit for something you did. Now, it’s not so bad. My world view thinks that I am overlooked and underappreciated because I don’t deserve appreciation. I still haven’t changed my ways of thinking that the world is somehow working against me. Maybe I’m just not working hard enough, but I’m not working hard for attention, am I?

I think I need to stop writing. It’s not making sense now. I think I screwed this topic up.

Friday, November 25, 2016

Do I Cook?

Does toast and Eggo waffles count?

Cooking is work in progress. So is adulthood.

I started with chili in February. That actually wasn’t too bad when you eat it as leftovers over time. Tasted too much like tomatoes rather than a unique chili taste initially. Maybe it’s because I decided to cook the ground beef in a taco seasoning recipe I had from middle school.

March I made lasagna, twice. The first one I thought went well, but my mom wasn’t having it. She felt we needed to make one to redeem ourselves. So the second one was made and sure, there were improvements, but hey, lasagna is lasagna. It is delicious as long as it looks good.

May probably took the least amount of effort and I don’t even know if it counts as cooking. I wanted to make poutine, but this whole cheese curd thing in America seemed like an impossible task. So I swapped it with shredded mozzarella. I wasn’t in the mood to cook gravy either, so I just bought barbecue sauce. Then the fries, I didn’t even want to go through the whole peeling, cutting, and frying of the potatoes, so naturally (but not really), I went to the frozen section and bought some frozen fries. The end result was that it still tasted really good, despite none of it taking any real effort to make. I made it twice in one day. Lunch and dinner! That’s how good it was.

So for now, it’s just dishes that come into mind, rather than taking the whole responsibility of figuring out what to eat every day. At that point, I might as well just hit up Wendy’s every afternoon and evening.

Poutine in May. At least a mockery of it. Hi Canada. Love you.

Southwest Chicken Salad from Sarah Charles on Medium.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Revisiting the Past

This seems like an interesting question that could be answered in so many ways. My past is not the most glorious of pasts, but there are some interesting tidbits here and there that would be good to come back to.

The high school glory days of my running career is one. It could serve as a constant reminder of why working hard can be fun and rewarding. Most notably memorizing my mile split for 8 laps just to get a state qualifying time. Of course, my AP English midyear exam had to be sacrificed. I had to go 120% in training for 2 weeks to get that time in. 4:50.87. Never forget.

It’s just reliving memories, not trying to change the events. That would be a whole separate post unto itself. The good and the bad, they make you who you are today. I’m in the zone where I’ve considered a lot of my past pretty bad, but I’ve become who I am because of those bad events. There are still good things, here and there, so it’s not just negative stuff influencing my growth.

Imagine revisiting just all the negative stuff in the past. It’d probably be a cry-fest for 20 years.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Life’s Clutter

What baggage to I have to carry every day? Is there any way I can lessen the load? I can tell I can’t remember too many things because I have too many things to worry about. The gradual growth of adulthood exhausts the human body and mind (based on the number of white hairs I have, good indicator). Bills, car maintenance, taxes, you name it. I haven’t reached the point of being a homeowner yet.

Then the ultimate thing cluttering life is none other than life itself. Too much worrying about whether or not the world is out to get you, why all your lemons in life are rotten, why Grendel is less existential than you are. I wish I could see the benefit of what life has given me. I mostly feign happiness. You could say I was ‘happy’ to graduate college, but that’s only because I left the system and never had to go through being so miserable again. I never liked school. It didn’t make me happy. It was just one less thing to have on my shoulder.

The solution to all this would be to have a 16 hour distraction every day. I wouldn’t have to think about this all the time. I can spend 2 or 3 hours one something legitimately fun, but once it’s over, I’m back where I started 2 or 3 hours previously. It eats at me. Hence, the white hairs.

Who knows? Something might change. Though I’m setting my expectations low. Nothing ever truly changes.

Monday, November 7, 2016

I’m A Difficult Decision Maker

I can’t make up my mind. I weigh the options of who my decision benefits? Am I doing it for myself? Or am I doing it for the benefit of others? Am I just staying silent and saying ‘yes’ to everything because I can’t be depended on to make a decision that impacts myself other parties? I don’t know. In that case, doesn’t that make me an easy decision maker?

I do a lot of shrugging or “I don’t know” as a typical answer. I don’t really know what I want. Even when I know what I want and it’s standing right in front of my face, I don’t know if I truly want it. Do I truly deserve it? My mental struggle is trying to figure out whether I deserve something I want. Have I truly earned it? Maybe I just measure everything based on how hard I worked for it. It’s probably not the best for every decision making process.

I’m tired. My brain hurts. I need sleep. I don’t know what’s wrong. Do I want to sleep? Do I deserve to be restful?

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Do Adults Who Are ‘Only Trying to Help’ Sometimes Make Things Worse?

I would think, that if you are a person who thinks that people who are trying to help are making things worse, you probably shouldn’t be open to help. Just keep your troubles to yourself.

Then again, there are those people who can’t help themselves and try to help you. It’s in their nature to help you through things because they were taught to do so, or they want to fulfill their one good deed for the day. Those ones you’ll just have to politely turn them away, or just just straight up tell them they’re not helping. No point in keeping it to yourself because they know something is wrong and won’t stop until it’s resolved. It’s almost annoying.

Now it doesn’t have to be something troubling you that people are trying to help you with. It could be as simple as helping you mow the lawn or do the dishes. Either way, it depends on the attitude of the one being helped. They might prefer to do things themselves because they find it’s the most efficient way. Any other factors may deter them. If so, politely reject the help.

Let’s return to the actual part where someone is troubled. It could be due to the loss of someone important or something along the lines of that same emotional shock. I think here the lines are blurred as to when help is important. We know the general emotional state they’re in, but to what extent have they recovered from it? It’s hard to read when it’s too early to help or when it’s too late to help. So when people try to help, the results may not be so satisfactory. You may actually be making their situation worse.

My simple answer to all of this is; If you don’t want help, keep the troubles to yourself. I think social media is a gift and a curse for things like this. It’s a great way to get emotional support from the people you know who care. Though for me, who has this negative side to it, almost sounds as if it’s some cry for attention. You just want people to empathize with you the same way they did for others. Again, this is just me being terrible and negative about that. I can’t imagine that being 100% true.

If it was me, I wouldn’t share any troubles on social media. I would feel more like a person looking for pity points than someone looking for support. I couldn’t do it. People don’t need to know that much about my life anyway. It’d also be one of those things where people who have never cared about things you share on social media only decide to care about you once something tragic has happened in your life. Again, being negative.

If you don’t want help, if you don’t want people make things worse for you, put on a mask and pretend nothing is wrong. We all have different ways to dealing with things. I like the lone wolf approach. It speaks to me.

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Deleting My Facebook Account

I did it before about 6 years ago to try and keep my mouth shut. Guess how long I lasted? I think it was about 2 days.

I think it’s hard at this point in the digital age. It used to be that people called and texted each other to meet up in order to update on their lives. Now almost everything you want to know about your friends and family is on Facebook. It’s still the main hub of social interaction. I think you could only want to delete your Facebook account if you wanted to stay off of it while studying for final exams. Or if you actually wanted to have a lack of social interaction. Or if you still believe that calling and texting can still live on as the main point of contact.

Remember email?

I often wonder if I could delete my Facebook account again. Could I live off Twitter for a while? Would anyone notice if I suddenly dropped off the internet? As I continue with my existential life crisis, I would probably think no one would notice. The internet is fast paced. If you’re not there, you’re not there. You’re forgotten very quickly.

For now, I’ll stick with it, publicly making fun of this thing I call life.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

What I'm Good At

I pride myself in having a good memory. I can, for the most part, remember names with faces, random memories of how I met certain people, or really short memories that wouldn’t even make sense as to why my brain remembers them. I remember the good, the bad, and the ugly. It helps with the growing process. I don’t think I ever mentally blocked a memory or altered it in any way. Events in life come and go as they please. Remember them for what they are.

I’d like to consider myself a good listener. As a person who doesn’t have much to say in conversation, it’s good to listen. You learn about people’s experiences over time. Actually feeds to my lack of speech in conversation because now they’re answering all the questions I would have asked, had they not said anything.

Have I ever told you I pretty observant as well? I pick up on certain habits and I remember them over time. It’s kind of weird. I can analyze people with the information that’s presented and can make some pretty good assumptions about them. Also, with these observations, I can feed into certain tendencies, either to be funny or to help out in some way.

Other than that, I don’t think I’m much good anything else. Pretty useless in every other department.

Friday, October 14, 2016

Things Worth Waiting in Line For

I think food would be the obvious choice. When you’re hungry, you’re goddamn hungry. This is especially important if you have no other place to go in order to get food. If I was at a place whose line was too long, I’d probably leave and go somewhere else. As long as I have other options.

Aside from the obvious choice, I don’t think I’d wait in line for anything else. I don’t have much patience for waiting in line. Even if it was to get autographs from someone famous. I’m not interested in wasting half the day standing in a line trying to get an autograph from a celebrity.

Or even at a video game convention where they have tons of demos of games to play. The lines are obnoxiously long and the gameplay doesn’t exactly speed up the lines at all. I want to play the game, sure, but I won’t stand in line for 2 hours to get that chance. There are other things to walk around and take a look at as well.

No one has ever solved the line problem. Maybe there are just too many humans. Or no building big enough to disperse the lines and make the shorter. I don’t know.

Saturday, October 8, 2016

Money Buys Happiness?

No way.

I don’t think I’ve ever been inherently happier with money. I mean, it’s always good to see the number in my bank account get higher, but it doesn’t leave an everlasting smile on my face.

What if you spend it on something? Are you giddy when  most of your paycheck goes into bills every month? Or the fact that you have to purchase food in order to get your daily dose of survival? Even when you spend it on things you actually want, are you any happier? That new 4k television making you smile for years on end? How about your new BMW?

You could say money could buy you happy feelings, but it’s only temporary.

Coming from the guy who’s barely ever been happy about anything… good topic to write on.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Why I Write

The million dollar question.

I don’t think it’s any question that my brain is a fountain of knowledge. Well, “knowledge” wouldn’t be the right term.

My brain is my worst enemy. It has a constant struggle with how the world is working. It doesn’t understand. It can’t let things be things. So I write them out, not to seek the comfort of others to ease the confusion, but to just put it off my mind.

It doesn’t always work. Sometimes even writing it puts makes my brain hurt more. I think those are the worst moments. It’s me and the keyboard and that isolated environment just causes more thinking.

I think it’s clear now, but I struggle with existence. I lack caring about certain values of life. Mainly because I don’t think I deserve them. More so that the world has somehow decided that I shouldn’t have them.

Writing has never been about getting attention. Honestly, I could care less about how many views or reads I get per post. I’ve learned that over time, the more I post, the more likely my audience will whittle down to the ones who will actually be interested in what I have to say. There’s always one person. It’s all about consistency and the legitimacy you have in your writing. The people who consume your writing can pick up right away whether or not your heart and soul is in it. That’s certainly a factor in building your audience. People like honesty, whether they agree with what you write or not. I like making fun of myself in my writing. Makes it more entertaining. It helps to open up to the internet with whatever is on my mind. Tears down a few walls here and there.

I think if you read more, you’ll find many hypocrisies about the things I convey. I’m not surprised. My brain has never been one to be clear about the things it struggles about. Day by day it changes, but it all boils down to the same, linear problems I find with the world and myself. I think I just need more sleep.

Monday, September 26, 2016

Sample Obituary

“Some guy nobody knows. Remembered by family because they have to. Who are we writing about again?”

That’s all, folks.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

California Adventures 2016

Mt. Soledad Veterans Memorial - San Diego
What an interesting week of events.

Getting away from several months of true mental troubles was needed and I'm glad I took the plunge. Heading to a different coast to see what life is like outside of my current living situation gave a good distraction on things.

Los Angeles and San Diego, that's where I journeyed to.

Both destinations were about sightseeing and most important to me, FOOD.

In LA, I stayed with my friends Corey and Tiffany from college, who lived in West Hollywood. I figured in LA, it was important to get through a lot of the cliche destinations, which I felt I did for the most part, visiting Hollywood Boulevard and going through the Walk of Fame and Madame Tussauds. The wax figures were too real and it was as close as I could get to meeting Taylor Swift.

I met Taylor Swift! Just kidding. One day, maybe.
Corey met some new people in LA, who showed us around some cool places. We went to Lake Shrine, a very peaceful area which includes a portion of Gandhi's ashes there.

Lake Shrine in LA. Where a portion of Gandhi's ashes resides.

Most important to me was when we went to Santa Monica and walked along the Third Street Promenade, which is a shopping, dining, and entertainment area. I love watching vlogs on YouTube of people I follow who were in that area and it was definitely surreal that I was there as well, where they were. Santa Monica in general was a very surreal moment. Grand Theft Auto V was basically LA in a nutshell and there were a lot of areas in Santa Monica where I could just point out, "That's where so and so happened in the game". So crazy. The pier at night was awesomely lit and a one stop shop for Pokèmon GO. I had to get the Pokèmon mention out quickly. I caught so many. It really was LIT.

Santa Monica was LIT. (From Corey Prak)
My LA trip concluded with the best breakfast ever and an evening hike. I was a fan of The Waffle after seeing pictures of it from Rooster Teeth employees Burnie Burns and Gavin Free. I took Corey and Tiffany out there to eat and try some award winning waffles, such as their Red Velvet one. Money well spent. We went up Runyon Canyon for our exercise portion of the day and watched the city from up top as the sun began its descent. Thanks to Corey and Tiffany for letting me stay in LA with them and their dog, Hadouken for being my roommate for a night.

Corey, Tiffany, and Hadouken - My family from the west coast!

Thought I was done, right? NOPE. Let's move on to San Diego!

Hollywood (Yes, that's his real name) and Justin took Corey and I to San Diego, where I would get dropped off to see Dave, my buddy from high school. Before that, however, they showed us around the place. We mostly hung around Ocean Beach, while going through the area getting Pokèstops and attempting to find that darn Pikachu along the Pier. Wonderful place. Just not the greatest weather for swimming.

Ocean Beach 

After that, I got my first In-N-Out experience. Thank you based higher power for showing me a fast food burger that is absolutely delicious. After that, spent some time at Balboa Park, which was another Pokèstop haven and chilled around the place, where I caught my first Pikachu and got to talk to this boy and his mother about how much better he was at Pokèmon GO than the 5 of us gents combined.

First In-N-Out
Fountain in Balboa Park
My Pikachu found at Balboa Park

Staying at Dave's house was an experience. He lives in a legit castle (pictured below). The rest of my time in San Diego was spent at the San Diego Zoo, where I got so see a ton of animals sleeping due to such a warm day. In addition to people watching at La Jolla Beach and sight seeing on top of Mt. Soledad, a Vietnam Veterans Memorial.

Corey and Tiffany returned to San Diego for the weekend and went out to eat and meet Dave. An honor to make some connections between hometown and college friends. It was an awesome end to the trip, just winding down and talking with close friends you haven't seen in a while. It served as the proper distraction.

The castle I stayed at.

View from the top of Mt. Soledad.
La Jolla Beach
Dinner with my hosts for the week, Tiffany, Corey, and Dave!

Now where do I go from here? Return trips are in the queue because there is just more stuff to do. This trip served as something that was much needed in order to take the edge off my troubles and to really just get myself out of my comfort zone. One doesn't need to be landlocked to one place forever. We're always so worried about spending the money we earn because of some potential disaster that might cost money in the future. Doesn't that suck to think that way? Sometimes, life is about risks. If you're going to take those risks, you better make it as successful as you can. Don't waste the moment to have an experience.

Now, I return to my regularly scheduled broadcast of life complaints.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

The Results of Failure

I don’t think there’s any question that I consider myself one of the biggest failures of all time. I mean, writing about the results of failure will probably end up being a failure onto itself because my brain is terrible.

Failure is part of being human. It’s what drives us to be better. It’s ok to fail.

I’ve failed a lot of my goals. Most of the time it’s just sulking for a while. Probably a lot longer than what I would like to, but hey, everyone has their own way of recovering. Failure is a good motivator to come back stronger.

Does breaking up with someone count as failure? Failure to hold something together? I’ve never thought about that before. I mean, if it’s you who caused the breakup, I guess the failure would be being unable to change yourself for the good of the relationship. Though that one has a lot of blurred lines as well. You can’t change yourself to the point you lose yourself while trying to maintain a relationship. Hmm. Forget I said anything.

All in all, I’ve failed a lot. It has hurt, some more than others. I’ve always thought about giving up all together and for some things, I just have. For the things I haven’t given up on, well, it’s just an endless cycle of failing and coming back to succeed. I’ll just have to wait and see if I give up on those as well.

Thursday, September 8, 2016

What ‘Mundane Moments’ From My Life Might Make Great Essay Material?

Guys, I don’t think this question is joking. I think this is a serious question. If you’re looking to write an essay about a mundane moment of my life, you might as well use my whole life. You will fill up 6-8 pages easily. Hell, if you want  extra credit, you could probably push it to about 15 pages. Except when teachers ask for 6-8 pages, they mean it. They’ll dock points if you go over. That hurts when you’re so invested in the writing material you’re given.

I mean, I have all of Preschool to 12th grade you can use. College is actually good source material for the mundane. The “real world” adulthood is just about the same as college without the 3am fire alarms and the random gunshot that one time in 2010.

I won’t spill it all out here. I think that would ruin the surprise. Though many of my previous posts could probably spell it out for you.