Friday, November 25, 2016

Do I Cook?

Does toast and Eggo waffles count?

Cooking is work in progress. So is adulthood.

I started with chili in February. That actually wasn’t too bad when you eat it as leftovers over time. Tasted too much like tomatoes rather than a unique chili taste initially. Maybe it’s because I decided to cook the ground beef in a taco seasoning recipe I had from middle school.

March I made lasagna, twice. The first one I thought went well, but my mom wasn’t having it. She felt we needed to make one to redeem ourselves. So the second one was made and sure, there were improvements, but hey, lasagna is lasagna. It is delicious as long as it looks good.

May probably took the least amount of effort and I don’t even know if it counts as cooking. I wanted to make poutine, but this whole cheese curd thing in America seemed like an impossible task. So I swapped it with shredded mozzarella. I wasn’t in the mood to cook gravy either, so I just bought barbecue sauce. Then the fries, I didn’t even want to go through the whole peeling, cutting, and frying of the potatoes, so naturally (but not really), I went to the frozen section and bought some frozen fries. The end result was that it still tasted really good, despite none of it taking any real effort to make. I made it twice in one day. Lunch and dinner! That’s how good it was.

So for now, it’s just dishes that come into mind, rather than taking the whole responsibility of figuring out what to eat every day. At that point, I might as well just hit up Wendy’s every afternoon and evening.

Poutine in May. At least a mockery of it. Hi Canada. Love you.

Southwest Chicken Salad from Sarah Charles on Medium.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Revisiting the Past

This seems like an interesting question that could be answered in so many ways. My past is not the most glorious of pasts, but there are some interesting tidbits here and there that would be good to come back to.

The high school glory days of my running career is one. It could serve as a constant reminder of why working hard can be fun and rewarding. Most notably memorizing my mile split for 8 laps just to get a state qualifying time. Of course, my AP English midyear exam had to be sacrificed. I had to go 120% in training for 2 weeks to get that time in. 4:50.87. Never forget.

It’s just reliving memories, not trying to change the events. That would be a whole separate post unto itself. The good and the bad, they make you who you are today. I’m in the zone where I’ve considered a lot of my past pretty bad, but I’ve become who I am because of those bad events. There are still good things, here and there, so it’s not just negative stuff influencing my growth.

Imagine revisiting just all the negative stuff in the past. It’d probably be a cry-fest for 20 years.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Life’s Clutter

What baggage to I have to carry every day? Is there any way I can lessen the load? I can tell I can’t remember too many things because I have too many things to worry about. The gradual growth of adulthood exhausts the human body and mind (based on the number of white hairs I have, good indicator). Bills, car maintenance, taxes, you name it. I haven’t reached the point of being a homeowner yet.

Then the ultimate thing cluttering life is none other than life itself. Too much worrying about whether or not the world is out to get you, why all your lemons in life are rotten, why Grendel is less existential than you are. I wish I could see the benefit of what life has given me. I mostly feign happiness. You could say I was ‘happy’ to graduate college, but that’s only because I left the system and never had to go through being so miserable again. I never liked school. It didn’t make me happy. It was just one less thing to have on my shoulder.

The solution to all this would be to have a 16 hour distraction every day. I wouldn’t have to think about this all the time. I can spend 2 or 3 hours one something legitimately fun, but once it’s over, I’m back where I started 2 or 3 hours previously. It eats at me. Hence, the white hairs.

Who knows? Something might change. Though I’m setting my expectations low. Nothing ever truly changes.

Monday, November 7, 2016

I’m A Difficult Decision Maker

I can’t make up my mind. I weigh the options of who my decision benefits? Am I doing it for myself? Or am I doing it for the benefit of others? Am I just staying silent and saying ‘yes’ to everything because I can’t be depended on to make a decision that impacts myself other parties? I don’t know. In that case, doesn’t that make me an easy decision maker?

I do a lot of shrugging or “I don’t know” as a typical answer. I don’t really know what I want. Even when I know what I want and it’s standing right in front of my face, I don’t know if I truly want it. Do I truly deserve it? My mental struggle is trying to figure out whether I deserve something I want. Have I truly earned it? Maybe I just measure everything based on how hard I worked for it. It’s probably not the best for every decision making process.

I’m tired. My brain hurts. I need sleep. I don’t know what’s wrong. Do I want to sleep? Do I deserve to be restful?

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Do Adults Who Are ‘Only Trying to Help’ Sometimes Make Things Worse?

I would think, that if you are a person who thinks that people who are trying to help are making things worse, you probably shouldn’t be open to help. Just keep your troubles to yourself.

Then again, there are those people who can’t help themselves and try to help you. It’s in their nature to help you through things because they were taught to do so, or they want to fulfill their one good deed for the day. Those ones you’ll just have to politely turn them away, or just just straight up tell them they’re not helping. No point in keeping it to yourself because they know something is wrong and won’t stop until it’s resolved. It’s almost annoying.

Now it doesn’t have to be something troubling you that people are trying to help you with. It could be as simple as helping you mow the lawn or do the dishes. Either way, it depends on the attitude of the one being helped. They might prefer to do things themselves because they find it’s the most efficient way. Any other factors may deter them. If so, politely reject the help.

Let’s return to the actual part where someone is troubled. It could be due to the loss of someone important or something along the lines of that same emotional shock. I think here the lines are blurred as to when help is important. We know the general emotional state they’re in, but to what extent have they recovered from it? It’s hard to read when it’s too early to help or when it’s too late to help. So when people try to help, the results may not be so satisfactory. You may actually be making their situation worse.

My simple answer to all of this is; If you don’t want help, keep the troubles to yourself. I think social media is a gift and a curse for things like this. It’s a great way to get emotional support from the people you know who care. Though for me, who has this negative side to it, almost sounds as if it’s some cry for attention. You just want people to empathize with you the same way they did for others. Again, this is just me being terrible and negative about that. I can’t imagine that being 100% true.

If it was me, I wouldn’t share any troubles on social media. I would feel more like a person looking for pity points than someone looking for support. I couldn’t do it. People don’t need to know that much about my life anyway. It’d also be one of those things where people who have never cared about things you share on social media only decide to care about you once something tragic has happened in your life. Again, being negative.

If you don’t want help, if you don’t want people make things worse for you, put on a mask and pretend nothing is wrong. We all have different ways to dealing with things. I like the lone wolf approach. It speaks to me.