Thursday, February 23, 2017

Life and World Changes in the Past Decade

I think if you’re a frequent reader of my posts, you can probably gather all the life changes that have gone on the past 10 years for me. Hey, let’s just reiterate a ton of it anyway and include the world in this oyster!

I think a lot of the changes in life have been due to amount of time invested truly critiquing the flow of my life from age 14 to now. I’ve slowly stopped caring about a lot of things. I evaluate caring based on the amount of energy needed to spend on it and if it’s too much effort to care, then it’s not worth my time. It’s all part of the belief that the world is out to get me and doesn’t want me to have nice things in life. A lot of trying to make some positive things in my life, but never really flowing my way. That’s a tough grind to go through. The course of my growth hasn’t been great in my opinion. Whether it’s through my family, friend, education, or work, there was always something pull me back down when I was trying to fly high. It just made it not worth trying anything. Even now, trying something new is a hard task because I just don’t care enough to do it. To actually try something new, you have to WANT to try it. My standard answer is always “no” because I don’t care enough to try it and I already believe that I won’t like it. I don’t even give it a chance. I’ve been battered down to the point that it’s pointless to do anything. My outlook on my life is quite negative, but resolute. Either I’ll retire by 40 or be dead by 40. I should try to fulfill some great things in that timeframe, but I need to figure out what I want to fulfill. That is a task that’s proven to be very difficult.

Let’s talk about the world. From what I gather (because I barely watch or read anything about local or world news), the globe has gone to shit. I guess it all started in 2012 with that Sandy Hook shooting. Once the media started reporting about all these mass shooting and terror attacks, I become desensitized to every single one of those news reports, that I just stopped caring about them happening. It seemed as if that was the norm to hear about an attack every night. It’s troubling times. We want to talk about gun laws? Well that’s all it is. Just talking. Nothing will change because it takes too long to change things. Too many holes to go through. Either the world is going to fix itself or it’s going to implode. Me? I don’t have much say on these local and global matters because I don’t keep myself informed enough to make a solid opinion. Either I’ll be dead from what the world does or survive a little bit longer. Either way, whichever gets to me to 40.

Oh hey, remember that whole American election thing?

Thanks for reading. So strange that you have such an interest in this topic. You should get an ice cream to reward yourself.

Friday, February 17, 2017

Do I Get Enough Sleep?

If you know me well enough, the answer would be no.

If you consider that I get the standard 6-8 hours every night, the answer is yes. The reason why it’s no is because it never ever truly feels like restful sleep.

I’ve tried all possible methods I could think of. Melatonin or reading before bed never helped. Not even exercise could keep me asleep. Too much waking up at 2am every night or tossing and turning an hour before your alarm clock goes off to get ready for work. Talk about unfortunate timing.

The only ideal solution would be to go to bed later, so that I’m actually more tired and will fall asleep for easily. The drawback is that now I’ll get less hours of sleep and probably will wake up with a headache because my body knows I didn’t get enough sleep.

For an activity so awesome such as sleeping, I am just terrible at it. I won’t resort to Nyquil, since that’s basically fake sleep and I’d like Nyquil to actually work in the event I get sick.

Saturday, February 11, 2017


The absolute worst. We all do it. Even the most motivated and hard working people procrastinate. Why do we do it? Do we just need a break? Do we hate what we’re currently doing? Do our eyes hurt from staring at code for hours trying to find that one semicolon that you forgot to put at the end?

By nature, somehow ingrained into our brains, we want to put things off just a little bit longer. That book report? I’ll start at 9pm tonight and finish it up the next day 30 minutes before it’s due. Instead of wanting to get it over with quickly, we want to put it off until the last possible moment, placing your brain on crunch time, forcing it to think critically, but not carefully. Mistakes will happen in those moments. Creativeness is linear instead of expansive in order to make room to get the task done.

How to we get better at not procrastinating? Well, every Padawan will have to think of their own way to get out of that funk. Every person is unique in their procrastination, therefore, they must be unique in their own way in order to be motivated to get things done. Go after it. Be productive.

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Am I Hard or Easy on Myself?

I think it’s best to be hard on myself. Be hard on myself, but don’t get caught up in it. Easier said than done, right?

It’s no surprise that mentally, I live in, what I believe, to be some tough times for myself. I’m hard on myself because I use it as motivation to improve. It takes too long for me to use it as motivation, however. I live in that bubble. I stew in my own criticism. It’s not healthy and I know it, but knowing it doesn’t change my feelings on the matter. It’s because I truly believe what I say about myself and how others perceive me. That’s what really gets to me the most.

I’m told that if I want to get out of funks like these, I have to be the one to make the change. My response is, I have to WANT to make that change. Allow me to explain.

There is that feeling of want. You know it when you see something you like. Me? If I were to make a change, I need that feeling on want just like seeing something you like. To be truthful, I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I need to change what I’m feeling. I’m stuck in limbo because I can’t find the answers to the questions I have. I am, therefore, harder on myself because I cannot find these answers.

The only way to solve this temporarily is to find a distraction. Table the discussion for another day, but I have to remember, that these feelings aren’t going to go away because I’m distracted. They will come back when I’m most vulnerable and I’ll be harder on myself than the last time, trying to answer those questions.