Thank You, Internet

Thank you, internet. Thank you for giving us the freedom to search for anything we want for any reason. It allows us to keep us curious and wanting to find answers. It keeps learning cyclical.

Thank you for allowing us to absorb different kinds of media, whether it’s the “Netflix and chill” bullshit, Hulu, Amazon Prime Video, etc. Helps us with our lazy days and talk about boobs, dicks, and butt (ok maybe just HBO GO).

Thank you for connecting us with others around the world. Whether it’s family, friends, a stranger, or a koala with chlamydia, we are intertwined through Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, game chat, WhatsApp, and so on and so forth.

Thank you for giving us to share our lives with others via social media as if people actually legitimately care. The impression that one can be internet famous at a moments notice for doing something out of the ordinary, like eating a Tide pod. Thank you for making us think that we are obligated to share something via social media almost every day of our lives, just so we’re validated in our existence and haven’t been swept under a rug. Are we special yet? Or are we just a small speck of dust in a large web of people? Honestly, we’re most likely just creeping on people we don’t know. Thanks again, internet.

Thank you for allowing social media to give us consumers a heightened expectation of what reality is. One Instagram post could make us believe that we can wake up to balloons, fresh coffee and breakfast in bed every morning, when the real reality is trying to get out of bed to put your pants on.

Thank you for reminding us that Russians are cheaters in pretty much everything. Sports, politics, and that time Robert Kraft had his Super Bowl ring “gifted” to Putin.

The most important thing to thank you for internet, is to allow us to choose which story to believe and which ones to care about because all I ever want to hear is which Kardashian is condemned with cultural appropriation. It allows us to choose a side and continue the good fight for or against because there’s no such thing as a middle ground.

Thanks for getting us addicted to you because it invades every second of our lives, whether it’s eating, sleeping, bathing, pooping, picking up our dog’s poop, cleaning up our baby’s poop (man a lot of poop examples here), and crying after watching The Bachelor.

You give us a plethora of mixed emotions. You made me want to figure out how I could start this piece of writing as a way of being thankful, but also slowly progress (or aggressively progress) into something satirical, where I most likely will be the only one will find funny. I mean, if I’m not laughing at myself, then I’m not doing the life portion right.

Thanks, Obama. You’re a cool dude.